Living with PDA: It's Not About Control, It's About Safety

By Kelly Hutton

Sometimes safety looks like a small hand finding yours, not because of control, but because trust feels safer than demands.

Have you ever found yourself exhausted from negotiating the smallest of everyday tasks? Brushing teeth, putting on shoes, or starting a piece of schoolwork? Have you wondered, "Why does everything feel like a battle?" You are not alone. For many families of autistic children, these moments aren't about a child being stubborn or "in control"; they're about a child desperately seeking safety.

Now, Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) can be seen as a more intense form of something that many parents recognise, the tug-of-war over everyday tasks that comes from a child's deep need for autonomy. So, as you read on, please don't assume that seeing demand-avoidant behaviours in your child means they are autistic, far from it. Instead, read with curiosity. The truth is, we can learn a great deal from autistic children, and the approaches that help them feel safe and understood often make life more accessible, compassionate, and calmer for children, and for us, as parents, too.

What is PDA?

Psychologist Elizabeth Newson first described Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) in the 1980s to capture a pattern of behaviour in some autistic children who exhibited "obsessive avoidance of the ordinary demands of life" and employed social strategies, such as distraction, negotiation, and humour, to resist them (Newson et al., 2003).

Later studies, such as those by O'Nions et al. (2013) and Gore Langton & Fredrickson (2015), confirmed that these children often show:

• An extreme need to avoid everyday demands, even fun ones.

• Rapid mood changes linked to anxiety

• High levels of emotional reactivity and social challenges

• A preference for novelty and flexibility, rather than predictable routines

PDA isn't a separate disorder, but it is best understood as a behaviour profile within the autism spectrum (Moors, 2020; Kidahl, 2021). In other words, it's not "something else" a child has in addition to autism, but a way in which the autism may present, especially when anxiety and the need for automny is very strong.

Why It's Not About Control

At first glance, PDA behaviour can look like control or defiance. But the research paints a very different picture.

According to Kildahl et al. (2021), demand avoidance behaviours are often anxiety-driven responses to stress rather than deliberate opposition. Milton (2013) and Moore (2020) argue that these actions are better seen as rational demand avoidance, the child's way of managing overwhelming internal or environmental pressures.

When a child with PDA says "no" or shuts down, it's often their nervous system saying, "this doesn't feel safe". When the adult responds with more pressure, even if well-intentioned, the anxiety (and avoidance) tends to escalate.

The Impact on Families

Families living with PDA often describe daily life as walking on a tightrope. The smallest shift in tone, the wrong kind of request, or an unexpected change can trigger distress.

Gore Langton & Fredrickson (2015) found that children with PDA frequently experience high rates of school exclusion and placement breakdowns, even when receiving substantial support. Parents in their studies spoke of the emotional tool of constant advocacy, not because their child was difficult, but because traditional systems are not designed with PDA-style anxiety in mind.

Behind every moment of avoidance is a parent who is quietly recalculating how to create calm in chaos. It's a balancing act that can lead to exhaustion, isolation, and a deep sense of doubt, which is exactly why community and understanding matter so much.

Supporting Children with PDA Tendencies

The research is clear: traditional "behaviour management" approaches rarely work (Newson et al,. 2003; O'Nions et al,. 2013). These children don't thrive on strict routines, reward charts or consequences; they thrive on connection, choice and regulation.

Here are some evidence-informed strategies that can help:

1. Reframe the Behaviour

See avoidance not as manipulation, but as a stress signal. Ask, "What may feel unsafe right now?" rather than "How can I make them comply?"

2. Offer Choices, Not Commands

Reduce direct demands and invite collaboration. "Would you like to do this now or after lunch?" gives a sense of autonomy without removing the boundary.

3. Use Indirect Language

Demands can sound threatening to a nervous system on alert. Replace "You need to..." with gentler prompts like "Let's see if we can..." or "I wonder if..."

4. Build Safety Before Skills

An anxious brain cannot learn. Prioritise calm, connection, and predictable relationships before worrying about compliance or performance.

5. Flexibility is Your Friend

Where structure supports most autistic children, novelty and gentle predictability often help PDA profiles feel safer (Newson et al, 2003). Use humour, playfulness, and creativity, not rigidity, to reduce pressure.

6. Communicate with Schools and/or Other Professionals

If your child attends school or works with any educational professional, share information about PDA and advocate for flexible approaches. Research highlights the need for staff understanding and adapted expectations to prevent exclusions and distress (Gore Langton & Fredrickson, 2015).

7. Prioritise Your Own Regulation

Your calm helps theirs. Take moments for breathing, breaks, and community support. Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup, even if it's a cup of tea reheated twice.

Remember, You Don't Have to Do This Alone

At Nurtured, I do offer 1:1 support to help you develop healthy, happy approaches to navigating PDA and other neurodivergent profiles. Our community group is a space to connect, learn, and share the load with others who "get it"

Next week's blog, I will be exploring compassion fatigue, and what this looks like when your empathy starts to run low, and you can refill it, without the guilt.

In the meantime, take a breath, soften the demands (for both of you) and remember, it's not about control. It's about safety.

1:1 Support for you

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References:

• Gore Langton, E., & Frederickson, N. (2015). Mapping the educational experiences of children with pathological demand avoidance. Journal of Research in Special Educational Needs, 16(4), 254–263.

• Kildahl, A. N., et al. (2021). Pathological demand avoidance in children and adolescents: A systematic review. Autism, 25(8), 2162–2176.

• Moore, A. (2020). Pathological demand avoidance: What and who are being pathologised and in whose interests? Global Studies of Childhood, 10(1), 39–52.

• Newson, E., Le Maréchal, K., & David, C. (2003). Pathological demand avoidance syndrome: A necessary distinction within the pervasive developmental disorders. Archives of Disease in Childhood, 88(7), 595–600.

• O’Nions, E., Viding, E., Greven, C., Ronald, A., & Happé, F. (2013). Pathological demand avoidance: Exploring the behavioural profile. Autism, 18(5), 538–544.