When Worries Grow Too Big: Understanding Child Anxiety

By Kelly Hutton

Anxiety doesn't always demonstrate in specific ways, so knowing our children is important...

We all know our kids worry about the monsters under the bed, who they will sit next to at lunch, or whether their drawing looks "good enough". But for some children, worries grow so big they start to take over everyday life, and that's where we step in, as parents, with compassion and the practical tools.

What is Child Anxiety?

Childhood anxiety isn't just "being a bit shy" or "a worrier", it can show up in many ways; refusing to go to school, tummy aches before social events, or endless "what if" questions at bedtime (Spence, 2017). Some children are just more naturally sensitive, and the researchers call this behavioural inhibition, meaning that they react strongly to new or uncertain situations. While this temperament can be a risk factor for anxiety, not all children with it go on to develop anxiety disorders (Fox, et al., 2021), which is always good to know!

Anxiety can look very different in different people. Children don't usually say "Mum, I'm anxious" and instead it may look like:

• Stomach aches or headaches with no clear medical cause

• Avoiding school, play dates or new situations

• Irritability or meltdowns when routines change

• Trouble sleeping (and possibly sneaking into your bed at 2am!)

It is reassuring to know that anxiety is common, affecting around 1 in 6 young people (Hill, 2013; Spence, 2017). However, if left untreated, it can carry into adulthood, affecting friendships, education and even work (Pollard, et al., 2023). Managing anxiety relies heavily on how children regulate their emotions; difficulties with emotional regulation are what make everyday worries feel so much bigger and harder to manage. This is why the biggest tool in your anxiety management toolbox is to understand emotional regulation and how to support it...

Emotional Regulation - The Brain's "Worry Thermostat"

To visualise emotional regulation, it is good to imagine it as a child's inner thermostat for feelings. Some children can turn the "heat" down quickly when they get upset. Others get stuck on high, and even small things can feel overwhelming. Research shows that parenting plays a role here too; warmth, support, and giving children space to problem-solve help them to build resilience, while constant criticism or overprotection can add fuel to the fire (Johnco et al., 2021).

This is hard though! It is so tempting to swoop in and "fix it" for our kids, but sometimes it really is the best thing to help them practice calming down themselves. So, what CAN we do?

We can start by:

• Staying calm yourself and model coping - children will mirror our reactions, so it is important to role model and reflect good coping mechanisms - talk about how you feel, but also explain how you cope with it through practical, visual reference. Allowing them to witness this gives them a learning platform to understand how to cope.

• Validate their feelings - when they are anxious, do not be quick to dismiss them. Saying "I can see this feels scary for you" is more helpful than "Don't be silly" because it allows them to acknowledge their own feelings and then employ some of those coping mechanisms that you demonstrated.

• Encourage small steps - gently facing fears bit by bit is more effective than total avoidance. Allow them to face up to what makes them anxious with your support.

• Create routine - by creating predictability in routine, you allow them to predict what is going to happen, and this reduces anxiety for many children.

Anxiety isn't just uncomfortable; it has real impacts and, left unchecked, it can impact education, relationships, and even long-term health, as well as bringing significant emotional and financial strain for families (Pollard et al,. 2023).

Sometimes, even with all the love and patience in the world, it still feels overwhelming. I know this myself, when my child, at 7 years old, suffered severe anxiety - I couldn't do it by myself. I needed the help, support and most importantly, the understanding from others who knew and understood the process we were going through.

This is where I can help. Through 1:1 support sessions, we'll look at your child's unique worries, how they show up, and the practical strategies you can use straight away. Through the Collaborators Club, a group which aims to allow children to practise emotional regulation in real time, and by working in small groups, solving problems together, and learning that it's okay when things don't go perfectly. This group will build confidence, coping strategies, and friendships along the way.

Email me for more information about the 1:1 sessions or to be added to the waiting list for the Collaborators Club!

nurturedtogether@gmail.com

References

• Fox, N. A., Buzzell, G. A., Morales, S., Valadez, E. A., Wilson, M., & Henderson, H. A. (2021). Understanding the emergence of social anxiety in children with behavioral inhibition. Biological Psychiatry, 89(7), 681–689.

• Hill, C. (2013). Anxiety disorders in children and adolescents.

• Spence, S. H. (2017). Assessing anxiety disorders in children and adolescents. Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 23(3), 266–282.

• Johnco, C., et al. (2021). The role of parenting behaviours in the bidirectional and intergenerational transmission of depression and anxiety. Depression and Anxiety, 38, 1256–1266.

• Herrick, E. (2017). Supporting children and young people with anxiety.

• Pollard, J., et al. (2023). The multifaceted consequences and economic costs of child anxiety problems. JCPP Advances, 3, e12149.