When They Need Us Less, But You Still Need Them.

By Kelly Hutton

From the early days of holding them close to the later years of learning to let them go, our relationship with our children evolves, just as we do.

Watching our children grow is one of the most bittersweet moments of parenting, it can make your heart swell with pride, whilst also making it ache a little at the same time.

Megan, my eldest, passed her driving theory test this week, and has had her fourth driving lesson. Last weekend and this weekend, we are doing university open day visits. As she edges into her next chapter, being independent, capable and curious, I find myself, not so quietly, navigating a shift of my own.

The Hidden Journey of Parental Identity

As a result, I find myself looking to the research - how does our identity change when we become parents? Why is this important?

Research shows that parenthood is not a fixed role, but a lifelong process of identity development that changes as our children grow (Fadjukoff et al., 2016; Hill, 1986). When our children are small, our role is very hands-on, all consuming. It evolves as they enter school and then adolescence, our roles transform, from protector to guide, from doing for them to standing with them. By the time they reach young adulthood, we're called to do something even harder: step back and let them lead.

Studies highlight that each phase of parenthood requires us to redefine who we are (Piotrowski, 2023). The intensity of this change can feel very destabilising, one moment we are needed constantly, the next we're waving goodbye. Yet these transitions are essential for both parent and child growth (Nomaguchi, 2012).

Why Does It Feel So Emotional?

Letting go is not just a practical process, I would argue it is 80% deeply psychological.

According to Fadjukoff et al. (2018), as children gain independence, parents identity and wellbeing fluctuates. Mothers often experience greater emotional explorations of their parenting role, while fathers may face other challenges when adapting to the changing roles. For both, there is a continual negotiation between commitment, confidence, and self-understanding.

The Ebb and Flow Study (Bradley et al., 2022) reminds us that as children grow more autonomous, the parent-child relationship naturally becomes more balanced, less about control and more about connection. Our role doesn't diminish; it evolves and sometimes quicker then our emotional selves can adjust to.

Navigating the Changes in Parental Identity

If your child is learning to drive, packing for university, or simply needing you less than before, you're in a stage that many researchers describe as the "family remodeler" phase (Unwell & Wyckoff, 2000). It's a time for parents to rediscover their own sense of purpose, while remaining a safe base for their child.

There are some gently ways to navigate this shift:

• Acknowledge the transition: Allow yourself to feel proud, sad, and uncertain all at once. These emotions reflect love and connection, not loss of purpose.

• Redefine your role: Move from "doing" to "supporting". Instead of fixing, ask guiding questions. Instead of checking, cheerlead.

• Reconnect with yourself: Many parents find that as their child grows, so do they. Revisit hobbies, friendships, and dreams paused along the way. This rediscovery can strengthen both your identity and wellbeing (Fadjukoff, et al., 2016).

• Keep communication warm, not controlling: Research shows that maintaining open, autonomy-supportive relationships fosters closeness even as children become independent (Bradley, et al., 2022).

• Find your community: Talking with other parents going through similar transitions can normalise the feelings and offer perspective. Shared experiences reduces that quiet loneliness many parents feel when their role shifts.

Take a moment

As I watch Megan drive away, I realised she wasn't just growing up, we were both moving forward. Parenthood, after all, isn't about holding on tightly; it's about evolving with grace, adjusting to each season and finding new meaning in the quiet spaces that appear as our children step into their own lives. It can be something of a wake up call, a stage of parenting I never really considered in those early days of midnight feeds, toddler classes or long evenings spent helping with homework.

This space, between pride and letting go, is entirely normal, and it deserves time. In the thick of early parenthood, it's easy to lose sight of yourself in the constant notion of everyone else's needs. But retaining your own identity isn't selfish, it's essential.

By continuing to grow, to nurture your own interests and purpose, you show your child how to do the same. In preserving your sense of self, you give them permission to discover theirs. I think this is one of the most important aspects of parenting that often gets overlooked or forgotten.

Maybe the greatest lesson we can teach our children is that growing up never really stops, for any of us.

You can find your community with the Nurtured Together - The Parenting Support Community or you can contact me for a free 1:1 session to talk through how these changes and it's impact on you.

References

• Bradley, R. H., Pennar, A., & Iida, M. (2022). Ebb and Flow in Parent-Child Interactions: Shifts from Early through Middle Childhood.

• Fadjukoff, P., Pulkkinen, L., & Kokko, K. (2018). Parental Identity and Its Relation to Parenting and Psychological Functioning in Middle Age.

• Hill, R. (1986). Stages of Family Development Model.

• Nomaguchi, K. (2012). Parenthood and Psychological Well-being: Understanding the Life Course.

• Piotrowski, K. (2023). Processes and Statuses of Parental Identity at Different Stages of Parenthood.

• Unell, B., & Wyckoff, J. (2000). Stages of Parenthood: A Framework for Understanding Change.