Understanding Disruptive Behaviour in Kids with Whole Needs Parenting

By Guest Writer: Vanessa Coultas at Life Mentoring

Have you ever found yourself exhausted by your child’s disruptive behaviour.

Whether it’s constant interruptions, refusing to listen, or full-blown meltdowns….you’re not alone. Many parents quietly wonder if something is “wrong” with their child, or worse, if they’re failing as a parent.

Let me say it clearly: disruptive behaviour is not a reflection of your worth as a parent. It’s a sign that your child is struggling to get their needs met.

A Real-Life Example: Mary’s Story

Mary was a mum I was helping. She was trying to get dinner on the table and her four-year-old three a toy across the room and screamed because she cut their sandwich the “wrong” way.

It feels disruptive and unreasonable.

Through the Whole Needs Parenting lens, we pause and ask: what’s underneath?

At this age, children don’t yet have the skills to handle frustration. The outburst isn’t about the sandwich, it’s about needing help managing disappointment and a craving for reassurance that their feelings matter.

Instead of only saying “Stop that,” you might kneel down, acknowledge their frustration, and guide them through calming down.

Another Example: Susan’s Teen

Susan has a thirteen-year-old who rolls their eyes, slams their bedroom door, and refuses to join family dinner.

It looks like disrespect and rebellion.

But if we look deeper, the behaviour often communicates a need for autonomy or a fear of not being understood.

Whole Needs Parenting helps us shift from:

❌ “Why are you being so rude?”

to

✅ “What need are they trying to protect?”

A parent might approach later with calm curiosity: “It seems like dinner felt too much tonight. Do you need some space, or is something else going on?”

This opens the door for connection instead of power struggles.

Ages and Stages: Why Disruptive Behaviour Shows Up Differently

Disruptive behaviour doesn’t look the same at every age, and that’s important to remember:

● Toddlers and pre-schoolers (2–5 years): They’re learning to communicate, but their brains can’t regulate big feelings yet. Tantrums, saying “no,” and testing boundaries are signs of growing independence.

● Primary years (6–9 years): These kids may struggle with sitting still, following rules, or managing disappointment. They’re pushing against limits to figure out where they fit in the world.

● Tweens (10–12 years): They might talk back to you, you will experience defiance, or mood swings. Underneath, they’re navigating big shifts in identity, social belonging, and autonomy. ● Teens (13+ years): What looks like rebellion, refusal, or disengagement is often about needing respect, independence, and the freedom to make choices, while still craving connection and safety.

Each stage brings its own challenges, and when those needs aren’t understood or met, behaviour becomes the language children use to communicate.

Whole Needs Parenting: Looking Beneath the Behaviour

In Whole Needs Parenting, we see behaviour not as the problem but as the signal.

A child’s disruptive actions are their way of saying, “Something inside me feels too big to manage alone.”

Instead of focusing only on stopping the behaviour, we ask:

● What need is driving this?

● Is my child tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or in need of connection?

● Am I expecting skills they don’t yet have for their age and stage?

When you begin to view disruptive behaviour as communication, everything shifts. You move from firefighting in the moment to meeting the deeper need that’s causing the spark.

Showing Yourself Compassion

Parenting through disruption is draining.

It’s easy to feel embarrassed in public, resentful at home, or guilty at night. But remember: every child is wired to push, test, and signal through behaviour.

You’re not failing, you’re navigating one of the hardest jobs in the world while raising a child who is still learning how to be in theirs.

Whole Needs Parenting isn’t about being perfect. It’s about staying curious, responding with empathy, and remembering that beneath every disruptive outburst is a child longing for safety, connection, and understanding.

About the Author:

Vanessa brings deep experience and compassion to her work with parents, drawing on her background in Psychology, Coaching, Counselling, NLP and Parenting Practitioner training to support families worldwide. You can learn more about her work and resources at https://www.lifementoringnz.com