Recognising When the Mask Is On
- Kelly Hutton
- 4 minutes ago
- 5 min read
By Kelly Hutton
Children learn quickly to hide parts of themselves to fit in. I see this from the earliest years. They're told not cry when a parent leaves them at nursery, or they pretend to like a game theydon't enjoy; these small performances start young and become habits (Hull et al, 2018).
That hidden effort can take a real toll on mental health. I often notice the same pattern: a child who seems fine at school but bursts into tears the moment the parent arrives, or one who never has tantrums with carers yet melts down at home (this was my youngest's usual gig!). Qualitative research describes masking as taking "a huge emotional and physical toll," with exhaustion and longer recovery times after social effort (Miller et l., 2024).
Masking is more visible in neurodiverse children, such as those on the autistic spectrum, which is why more research focuses there, but it is not exclusive to them. Recent work shows masking across neurotypes is linked to exhaustion, identity loss, and poorer mental health (Evans et al, 2024).
What Masking Looks Like in Children
How do we identify when a child is masking? It will look different for each child, and connection and relationship-building are essential to notice individual patterns.
Surface behaviours — forced eye contact; scripted or overly polite replies; copying peers’ phrases or mannerisms. (Miller et al., 2021).
Hidden strategies — suppressing stimming, hiding sensory distress, rehearsing social scripts, or using memory to steer conversations. (Miller et al., 2021).
Context clues — child is exhausted after social situations; sudden shutdowns or meltdowns at home; inconsistent behaviour across settings (calm or “perfect” at school but distressed at home). (Evans et al., 2024; Miller et al., 2021).
Once we know a child, we can spot them early, so a good checklist for parents and professionals is to look out for:
After-school exhaustion - is the child unusually tired, irritable, or withdrawn after attending educational settings or groups?
Rapid mood shifts - Are they appearing calm in structured settings, but overwhelmed at home?
Over-prepared social scripts - Do they sound like they are using rehearsed jokes, phrases, or behaviours that feel "put on"?
Avoidance of sensory needs - Do they tolerate loud/noisy environments without complaint at one location, but break down about them later?
Reluctance to disclose difficulties - This is a big one. Do they insist they "are fine" despite clear signs of distress?
Why Masking Can Lead to Burnout
The use of cognitive and emotional resources when a child must continuously monitor, suppress, and perform will, over time, deplete them. Research links consistent masking with higher anxiety, depression and exhaustion (Evans et al., 2024; Miller et al., 2024; Hull, 2018).
This can then impact identity. Repeated suppression of natural responses interferes with identity formation, where a child may not feel like themselves, which in turn undermines their self-esteem and coping.
Then, we are on a trajectory to burnout, with prolonged masking equating to chronic stress and loss of coping (for example, suppressing stims), which can lead to increased meltdowns, withdrawal and/or longer recovery periods. This is burnout (Raymaker et al., 2020)
Reaching Burnout - The Signs
Now, masking to a degree is a coping skill and the reason we need to be aware of their ability mask to ensure we can avoid the burnout. This can look different day-to-day; however, they are key elements to be aware of, including:
Being overly emotional for a prolonged period of time: persistent low moods, increased irritability, withdrawal from previously enjoyed activities (Hull et al., 2018)
Cognitive - poor concentration, "brain fog", so not being able to find words at times or difficulty planning or following routines.
Behavioural - there may be increased meltdowns or shutdowns, sleep disruption, changes in appetite. (Miler et al., 2024)
Social - loss of interest in friendships, sudden social avoidance, or inconsistent social performance.
How to Handle The Burn Out
If a child is showing signs of burnout, it is important to consult a qualified clinician or specialist who understands autism, trauma, and child development before changing supports or interventions
Sometimes, burnout though is inevitable, what matters is the way we respond to protect our child's mental health and support their social and emotional development. Research shows that sustained masking and camouflaging are effortful and linked to poorer mental well-being (Hull et al., 2018; Evans et al., 2024). So our responses really do matter. These responses should reduce demand and restore resources, and can be aided by:
Validate when the child is having big feelings (or even small ones if you notice them masking them, as they may appear smaller than they are!). Validate the feeling and sensory experiences you can see (e.g. "You look really tired after school today").
Reduce the social demand where possible, this might be through quiet spaces, predictable routines, sensory breaks, for example.
Teach alternatives to masking, which are safe, such as discreet stimming options or self-advocacy scripts (see my resources page for the free resource on developing self-advocacy scripts).
Build your community. This is a big one, create safe peer groups or neurodiversity-affirming spaces which reduce the need to mask and support identity development (Miller et al, 2024)
Creating predictable routines and visual schedules, we can lower social-cognitive load.
Quiet spaces and scheduled sensory breaks allow for time and recovery.
'Train' and inform the people around your child about the reasonable adjustments needed for your child, inform them of how your child does mask, what it means and the outcomes from that masking.
Finally, with your child, teach emotional literacy and self-regulation strategies (breathing, discrete stims, exit plans), which all allow your child the self-awareness to understand their own needs and how to manage them when you are not around. There are many free resources on my resources page to support this.
Final Thought
Masking is common across all neurotypes and can be driven by stigma and the need to fit in. It is normal and a part of social communication. However, sustained masking, the ongoing effort to monitor, suppress, and perform social behaviour, depletes a child's cognitive and emotional resources, and can contribute to burnout, anxiety, and depression when it is persistent and unsupported.
As the adult for that child, we are the ones who can create the social, emotional and physical environment for that child to reduce the need to mask. By creating predictable routines, sensory supports, and community belonging, we make a protective barrier for the child as they grow and begin to understand their own needs.
For more support on how to help your child develop the emotional literacy and development they need to manage and recognise when they are masking, enabling them to identify when they need a break before burnout happens, visit my resources section.
References
Cassidy, S. A., Gould, K., Townsend, E., Pelton, M., Robertson, A. E., & Rodgers, J. (2019). (studies linking camouflaging to suicidality and related risk markers).
Evans, J. A., Krumrei‑Mancuso, E. J., & Rouse, S. V. (2024). What you are hiding could be hurting you: Autistic masking in relation to mental health, interpersonal trauma, authenticity, and self‑esteem. Autism in Adulthood, 6(2). https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2022.0115 (doi.org in Bing).
Hull, L., Mandy, W., Lai, M.‑C., Baron‑Cohen, S., Allison, C., Smith, P., & Petrides, K. V. (2018). Development and validation of the Camouflaging Autistic Traits Questionnaire (CAT‑Q). Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-018-3792-6 (doi.org in Bing).
Miller, D., Rees, J., & Pearson, A. (2021). “Masking Is Life”: Experiences of masking in autistic and nonautistic adults. Autism in Adulthood, 3(4). https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2020.0083 (doi.org in Bing).
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