Understanding: Why With Neurodiversity, It Must Come First

By Kelly Hutton

Adult hands holding a child’s hands around a wooden heart, representing parental support, emotional safety, neurodiversity, and child wellbeing.

When a child is struggling with behaviour, anxiety, learning or relationships, the pressure to "do something" is strong. Parents and professionals alike are often pushed to use quick strategies, behaviour charts, consequences, rewards or routines, long before anyone has truly just paused to understand who this child is.

But what the research is telling us is something vital: support that is not grounded in a deep understanding of a child's individual neurodiversity risks being ineffective at best and very harmful at worst.

How Bias and Assumptions Shape Our Interpretations

When adults do not understand neurodiversity, behaviour often becomes interpreted through a moral or disciplinary lens. We have all heard it:

• "Just naughty"

• "Pushing boundaries"

• "Manipulative"

• "Getting away with everything"

The research, however, is telling us that when behaviour is viewed under this lens, without a neurodevelopmental framework, adults are more likely to attribute it to internal misbehaviour rather than neurological difference or stress responses (Holt, 2023).

Holt's qualitative study highlights how parents of neurodivergent children often struggle to distinguish between autism, typical adolescent development, and perceived "naughtiness", particularly when professional advice does not account for neurodevelopmental differences. It is this confusion that directly shapes how we respond as parents, often escalating conflict and distress rather than reducing it - not helpful!

This really matters because interpretation precedes intervention. If behaviour is framed as wilful, strategies tend to focus on control. If behaviour is understood as communication or overwhelm, well then, the strategies shift towards support, where it can make the real change.

Neurodiversity Does Not Sit in A Single Profile

Of course, what makes developing strategies difficult and calls loudly for more understanding, is the fact that the research tells us again and again that there is no heterogeneity of neurodiversity. In other words, Autism, ADHD and other neurodevelopmental differences do not present in uniform ways, even with the same diagnostic category (Gupta & Aman, 2025).

Gupta and Aman discuss how Autism, for example, is a spectrum, not only in severity, but in cognition, communication, sensory processing, and emotional regulation. This level of variability means that no single approach can be universally effective.

Similarly, Naicker et al (2023) found that parents' understanding of children's individual profiles, rather than the diagnosis itself, was key to better, healthier parent-child relationships and more attuned support.

There is no broad-stroke strategy that "always works" but understanding what works for the individual child will.

What Must Be Understood Before Planning Strategies?

Attention and Executive Function

Attention differences are frequently misunderstood as a lack of effort. In neurodivergent children, attention can be inconsistent, context-dependent, or heavily influenced by stress and sensory input (Gupta & Aman, 2025).

Difficulties with initiation, task switching, or sustained attention are linked to differences in executive functioning, not to motivation. When strategies assume a child can comply but won't, well, they often fail.

Cognition and Processing

Neurodivergent cognition may involve slower processing speed, literal interpretation of language, or difficulty holding multiple pieces of information in the mind at once. These differences are particularly pronounced under emotional load or time pressures (Hurrlemann, 1990; Gupta & Aman, 2025).

Strategies that rely on rapid verbal instruction or delayed consequences frequently miss the child's actual cognitive capacity in the moment.

Social Communication

Social differences are one of the biggest misunderstood aspects of neurodiversity. Research within neurodiversity frameworks emphasises that neurodivergent communication styles are different, not deficient (VanDaalen et al, 2025).

Sensory Processing

Sensory differences play a central role in regulation. Overwhelm can present as shutdown, aggression, avoidance, or emotional outbursts. These responses are frequently mislabelled as behavioural when they are in fact physiological stress responses (Gupta & Aman, 2025).

Emotional Experience and Anxiety

Neurodivergent children are at risk of anxiety, particularly when their needs are being misunderstood or repeatedly invalidated. Parenting or professional responses that do not align with a child's neurodevelopmental profile can unintentionally increase emotional distress (Naicker et al, 2023).

Research is showing us that when parents and professionals work with a child's neurodivergence, their emotional attunement improves, and anxiety reduces over time.

Why The Strategies Fail Without The Understanding

So, when the strategies are implemented without the foundation of understanding, outcomes will often include:

• Increased escalation

• Strategy "non-compliance"

• Heightened parental frustration

• Blame is being placed back on the child

Autistic adults reflecting on their childhood experiences consistently emphasise that being understood mattered more than being managed (Lee et al, 2023).

They describe long-term harm arising from approaches that prioritise behavioural conformity over emotional safety and understanding.

How Do We Know If a Strategy Is Working?

Evidence-informed practice requires asking the right questions. Success should not be measured solely by the reduction in behaviours, but by:

• Reduced distress

• Increased emotional safety

• Improved relationships

• Greater understanding of the child

These indicators align with neuroaffirmative practice and are supported by parent and lived-experience research (Lee et al, 2023; VanDaalen et al, 2025).

Across the collected evidence, there is a consistent theme that has been documented: understanding is not just a "nice extra", but it is the mechanism through which effective support is possible.

When we come together, as both parents and professionals, to understand neurodiversity, we move away from reacting to behaviour and towards responding to need. This shift has been associated with better well-being, stronger relationships, and more sustainable outcomes in the long term (Naicker et al, 2023; Holt, 2023).

Beginning the Journey: Deepening Understanding

For many parents and professionals, the challenge is not willingness, but clarity. Knowing what to understand and how to apply understanding is complex.

The Education Empowers Series - Introduction to Supporting Neurodivergent Learners is designed to build a foundation of understanding that empowers you to give the best support you can.

Throughout this series, you will:

• Develop a clear understanding of neurodiversity

• Be given the tools and understanding to explore an individual's learner profile, looking at attention, cognition, regulation and communication.

• Be given the tools and knowledge to work with others, identifying bias and assumptions

• Evaluate strategies ethically and effectively.

When understanding comes first, strategies stop being trial-and-error and start being genuinely supportive.

You can access the first FREE Module here:

Introduction to Supporting Neurodivergent Learners: FREE Module

References

Gupta, A., & Aman, N. (2025). Embracing neurodiversity: The critical role of awareness and acceptance in autism spectrum disorders. Archives of Molecular Biology and Genetics.

Holt, A. (2023). “I don’t know what is autism, what is normal teenage behaviour, and what is naughtiness”. Children & Society.

Hurrelmann, K. (1990). Parents, peers, teachers and other significant partners in adolescence. International Journal of Adolescence and Youth.

Naicker, V. V., Bury, S. M., & Hedley, D. (2023). Factors associated with parental resolution of a child’s autism diagnosis: A systematic review. Frontiers in Psychiatry.

Lee, J. Y. S., Whittingham, K., Olson, R., & Mitchell, A. E. (2023). “Their happiness, not neurotypical success”. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders.

VanDaalen, R. A., et al. (2025). Public perceptions of the neurodiversity movement: A thematic analysis. Neurodiversity.