When Caring Becomes Too Heavy: My Story of Compassion Fatigue

By Kelly Hutton

Compassion Fatigue: The state of exhaustion and dysfunction. Biologically, psychologically and socially.

I didn't recognise it at the time, but I was deep, so deep, in the compassion fatigue, it was impacting my physical wellbeing. I was not just tired, but I was emotionally hollowed out from years of caring, holding, and managing everyone else's needs before recognising my own.

I have been a carer to my Dad forever, well, since I was 13 years old. By 2019, he was living with my family and me. Severely disabled with brain damage, right-sided weakness and aphasia (a communication disorder, as a result of the brain damage) from a road-traffic accident. On the whole, we had been managing with daily carers coming in, which meant I had also been able to continue running my business, a children's day nursery, alongside parenting my two children, who were at school. Then, Dad fell and fractured his pelvis. He had had many falls and many stays in hospital before, but this one resulted in a long-term stay as his fracture had to self-heal. Hospital stays were always challenging: his asphasia made it almost impossible for him to communicate his needs, and I became his voice, advocate, and organiser, whilst still trying to parent and manage my business from 10 miles away.

Even with my very supportive husband, it became impossible to keep up. I was the only person who could both run the nursery and understand my dad's care. I told myself I just needed to "push through", but I was unravelling. I was exhausted, emotionally, and losing perspective, sometimes detached from reality. I was ill, physically and mentally. It wasn't until, literally, years later, that I could see that it wasn't weakness or burnout. It was compassion fatigue, the deep cost of caring without recovery.

What is Compassion Fatigue?

Compassion fatigue is often described as "a state of exhaustion and dysfunction - biologically, psychologically, and socially - resulting from prolonged exposure to compassion stress" (Lynch, 2018). It's not just tired of caring; it's when your empathy has run so dry that even kindness feels like an effort.

Unlike burnout, which stems from workplace stress, compassion fatigue is more relational. It arises from empathetic strain, that constant exposure to someone else's suffering that activates our compassion but doesn't allow time for replenishment. Family carers and parents are especially vulnerable because they can't simply "switch off". Their compassion is both a source of connection and the cause of depletion.

In my case, I didn't see it coming. I was so used to functioning in crisis mode that I mistook adrenaline for resilience.

Recognising Compassion Fatigue in Ourselves

Research into family caregiving (Lynch, 2018) and parental stress (Solem et al., 2011) identifies common triggers that overlap heavily in parenting life, especially when multiple roles collide:

• Chronic emotional demand: Caring for someone with high needs, or parenting a child with behavioural or additional needs

• Lack of recovery time: No opportunity for real rest, reflection, or personal space.

• Role Overload: Balancing work, parenting, and caring responsibilities with little control

• Guilt and pressure: Feeling solely responsible for others' well-being

• Reduced social support: Isolation or limited understanding from others.

For many parents, especially those also caring for relatives or managing children's additional needs, these pressures intertwine. Research shows that parenting stress is highest when the gap widens between demands and available resources (Solem et al., 2011). When social support is low or coping resources are stretched thin, stress becomes self-reinforcing, leading to withdrawal, irritability, and emotional numbness.

How Stress Impacts Family

Family connectedness is one of the strongest protective factors against stress (Gervais & Jose, 2024). Families that communicate well and feel emotionally cohesive experience fewer "stress-triggering problems". However, when stress runs high, even strong families can experience breakdowns in connections.

Interestingly, studies on adolescence show how coping strategies develop through family modelling (Gervais & Jose, 2024). When parents model adaptive coping, like reflection, seeking help, or talking openly, children learn to manage stress more effectively. But when parents are overwhelmed and resort to avoidance or suppression, children often will mirror the same maladaptive practices.

In other words, how we cope teaches our children how to cope.

When I look back on this period now, I can see my emotional exhaustion was shaping our family's energy. Everyone was walking on eggshells, trying to keep calm. The turning point came when I realised something had to give, and it couldn't be my health or my family.

The Hardest Decision, and The Turning Point

One of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make in my life was to sell my nursery. It had been my identity, my joy, and my purpose. But something had to go.

It was a painful but necessary act of self-preservation. By the end of January 2020, the sale went through, just before Covid hit. The lockdown that followed became, strangely, my unexpected recovery space. Dad was in a local nursing home for rehabilitation, my family was together, and for the first time in a decade, I could just breathe.

That space - unplanned, underserved, and yet essential - allowed me to remember what rest felt like.

Finding Coping and Compassion Again

Coping isn't about removing stress; it's about restoring balance. Research into stress and coping highlights that adaptive coping strategies, reflection, problem-solving, and seeking support are all linked to better long-term mental health, while avoidance and overcontrol worsen stress outcomes (Gervais & Jose, 2024; Donaldson, et al,. 2025).

Here are a few things that helped me, and might help you too:

1. Name it: Recognising compassion fatigue removes the shame. This may have taken me slightly longer than I care to admit, but it's not a weakness; it's a natural response to prolonged emotional strain.

2. Ask for practical help: Support networks and respite are not luxuries; they are protective factors.

3. Set compassionate boundaries: Saying "I can't right now" doesn't mean that you don't care; it means that you are protecting your capacity to care later. I hope that the people around me recognised that at the time, or at least after.

4. Reflect, don't ruminate: Take time to think, not sink. Writing, walking, or simple breathing helps interrupt an overwhelmed system.

5. Prioritise connection over perfection: Family connectedness is the strongest buffer against stress; small, safe moments of closeness really matter.

If You Recognise Yourself in This Story:

If you are feeling pulled in all directions, if you've forgotten the last time you truly reset, or if you're parenting while caring for someone else, please take a pause. Compassion fatigue creeps up quietly but speaks loudly when ignored.

For some, change looks like asking for help; for others, it's making a big decision, even one that may feel impossible. Mine was selling the nursery. Yours might look like saying "no," taking leave or simply admitting you're not coping.

Whatever it is, remember, protecting your own well-being isn't selfish. It's the most sustainable way to protect the people you love.

If any of my story resonates with you, or you'd like to learn more about how I support families navigating stress, coping and connection, I'd love for you to explore the website, have a scroll through my socials, or just get in touch. Whether you are looking for calm in the chaos, ideas for supporting your child, or a reminder that you are not doing this alone, you will find it all here at Nutured Together.

References

• Donaldson, C. J., Hawkins, J., Rice, F., & Moore, G. (2025). Trajectories of mental health across the primary to secondary school transition. JCPP Advances, 5(1), e12244.

• Gervais, C., & Jose, P. E. (2024). Relationships between family connectedness and stress-triggering problems among adolescents: Potential mediating role of coping strategies. Research on Child and Adolescent Psychopathology, 52, 237–251.

• Lynch, S. H. (2018). Looking at compassion fatigue differently: Application to family caregivers. American Journal of Health Education, 49(1), 9–11.

• Solem, M.-B., Christophersen, K.-A., & Martinussen, M. (2011). Predicting parenting stress: Children’s behavioural problems and parents’ coping. Infant and Child Development, 20, 162–180.