What About the Parents? When The Child Refuses School...

By Kelly Hutton

I have written before about how, when a child refuses school/school avoidance, it is rarely a case of a child simply "not wanting to go": "School Phobia, School Avoidance, School Refusal: It's Not Just Skiving",

It's so much more complex, emotional, and often rooted in extreme anxiety, overwhelm or unmet needs that children have yet to learn the skills they need to manage them.

This week, I wanted to pause and acknowledge something else: for every child struggling to attend school, a parent is carrying the heavy emotional load, often quietly, by themselves. I know this because I've been there. My own daughter went through a period of school-related anxiety, and I felt her distress. The morning battles, leaving her upset, trying to work with a system that didn't understand her level of fear- it was exhausting and heartbreaking.

She recently described that time, eight years on: she was terrified that if she left me, she might never see me again. She knew it was irrational, but the fear was overwhelming. I recognised it instantly; I had similar anxiety at her age, so I couldn't help but have empathy. The panic, the intrusive thoughts, physical symptoms- it is very real and all-consuming.

We were fortunate. Her anxiety lasted around six months, and with support from school,m myself and targeted strategies, she found her way through it. She still overthinks, just like I do, but she has the tools to cope now.

My point here is this: every child's experience is different: every trigger, every fear, every barrier. And for parents, this means there is no simple "do this, and it will work" solution. The helplessness is real, and it deserves recognition.

The Hidden Emotional Experience of Parents

It was a phone call I had this week with a parent reminded me of my own experience: the exhaustion, emotionally and mentally, from feeling powerless, seeing your child struggle. The feeling of being judged- comments from school, other parents, or even family members can sting:

• "You just need to be firmer."

• "They're manipulating you."

• "You're letting them get away with it."

Remarks which totally ignore the reality you are living.

The feeling of confusion. One day your child seems fine; the next they are in tears at the thought of walking out the front door. You end up being left to make sense of something that isn't following a neat pattern.

The feeling alone. Even when surrounded by professionals, when you feel like you are the only one truly fighting for your child's wellbeing, it adds to the exhaustion, which affects mornings, evenings, sleep, work, and relationships.

If this feels familiar, please remember you are not failing. You're human, and you are doing your best in a situation that would challenge the best of us.

Coping

When I work with families, I do see one pattern repeating: parents pushing their own needs aside because they are so focused on their child, but it is important to remember your own wellbeing as a parent isn't a luxury; it is a foundation that, when stretched too thin, becomes harder to:

• stay calm in the morning struggles

• advocate confidently with school

• make decisions

• support your child's emotional regulation

As much as your child needs you, they need your stability to help create their own sense of stability; your wellbeing is incredibly important in all of this.

Suggested Strategies

Unfortunately, there are no quick fixes, but there are ways to support yourself to navigate the journey.

1. Acknowledge your own emotions without guilt

You're allowed to feel frustrated, sad, scared, or angry. Naming the feelings really does reduce their intensity; even if you do this out loud to yourself in the mirror or write it down in a journal, it takes the sting out of the emotion.

2. Create a calm morning routine for you

   Even five minutes makes a difference: a cup of tea before the house wakes, breathing exercises, stepping outside for some fresh air. Set a tone for your nervous system that prepares for the day.

3. Separate the behaviour from the child

   This isn't your child necessarily being difficult to wind you up. Look at what they are communicating: distress, fear, worry- whatever it is. They are doing it in the only way they know how, right now. Reframing their behaviour as a form of communication will reduce the conflict and self-blame.

4. Build a support circle

   Not everyone will understand school avoidance, but some people will, so seek out those who:

   • are in similar situations

   • supportive professionals

   • online communities focused on school anxiety (see the links at the end of the blog)

5. Set boundaries with school

You may feel pressure from school, which leads to guilt or unrealistic expectations, so it is important to have a guide of things you can say:

• "We are working on this, but pushing harder escalates the anxiety."

• "We need a plan that supports my child's emotional needs, not just attendance."

You are allowed to advocate, so don't be made to feel that you can't.

6. Celebrate the tiny wins

   In the fog of fighting school and what may feel like battles with your child, it can be easy not to see the tiny wins, but celebrate the:

   • The conversations with your child about school

   • Putting on the uniform

   • Walking to the door

   • Getting in the car

   Even if they don't result in attendance, they are steps forward, and all contribute to the changing situation.

7. Seek professional support for yourself

   Therapeutic support isn't just for your child; you too could benefit from:

   • emotional processing

   • guidance

   • reassurance

   • space to breathe

   And you deserve that support too.

How I Support Parents

In my work, my focus isn't all on the child; I support the whole family system, and for parents, this often includes:

• helping you to understand the root of your child's anxiety

• giving you practical strategies for the mornings, communication or emotional regulation

• supporting you through the guilt, fear, and overwhelm

• helping you navigate conversations with school

• offering a safe, non-judgemental space to talk openly.

No parent should have to carry this alone, and if you are reading this and thinking, "This is exactly what we're going through", please reach out. I try to help you make sense of what's happening and work with you to create a plan that supports both you and your child. Parents only pay if what I offer is helpful and supportive; it's their choice.

Where Else You Can Find Support

• GPs or mental health practitioners   for guidance, referrals, and emotional support

• Educational psychologists   for understanding learning needs and anxiety triggers

• Local SENDIASS services   for help navigating school systems and rights

• Parent support groups   online or in-person communities where you can share experiences

• School pastoral teams   when they are willing to collaborate and adapt

• Young Minds - School Anxiety and Refusal. A practical Parent Guide - School Anxiety and Refusal | Parent Guide to Support | YoungMinds

• Little Big Minds - EBSA and your legal rights (UK-focused guidance on ECHP/ISP and reasonable adjustments) School Refusal | LittleBigMinds

• Not Fine in School - which offers peer support, lived experience, and campaigning resources: Not Fine in School - School Refusal, School Attendance

Final Thought

School avoidance is not a reflection of your parenting; it is not a failure, nor is it something you should be ashamed of. You are doing your best in a situation that is emotionally heavy, unpredictable, and deeply personal. Your child is so, so lucky to have you, someone who cares enough to seek understanding, support and solutions; so please do not forget that.

If you would like to talk, explore options, or simply feel heard, you can reach me through my website. Together, we can help your child feel safe again and, just as importantly, help you feel supported too.