The Skills That Build A Village: Friendship, Connection & Raising Children Who Thrive

By Kelly Hutton

"It takes a village to raise a child"

There's an old saying that "it takes a village to raise a child." What people often forget is that it also takes a village to raise the adults doing the raising. Human beings are wired for connection; scientists have spent years proving what most parents already suspected while messaging another weary parent at 2 am: friendship keeps us going.

This post explores why friendship matters for our mental and physical health, the skills that help both adults and children build real connections, how self-esteem shapes the relationships we form, how we help children grown their own "village", and, most personally, how my village, nearly eighteen years ago, found me on the internet - before it was really a thing.

Why Your Village Might Not Always Look Like What You Think..

Nearly eighteen years ago, I wandered onto a website, newly pregnant, called The Babycentre or BC, as those of us who practically lived there called it.

I didn't know at the time, but my village was waiting for me.

What began as a group of expectant parents, worrying about a bruise on our bumps or the fact that we could no longer close our legs or bend down, quickly became something deeply more significant. These women, my BC Sept 08' group, became some of my closest, most important people in my life.

And when our babies were small, we began to meet up (I remember being sick on by my, then 3-month-old, in the Think Tank at Birmingham, during our first meet!), and this led to annual camping trips, back when we were young enough to sleep on the floor! We have met, celebrated marriages, milestone birthdays and lost loved ones. We have laughed, cried and been with each other through every stage of the parenting journey.

When I opened my nursery, these women celebrated with me; they were my sounding board in the "is this possible?" phase and the "I am quietly panicking" phase. They have been through family challenges, career shifts, decisions, doubts and victories and the everyday madness that comes with being a parent.

Nearly all of us went on to have more children. And now, unbelievably, next year our original babies, the ones who brought us together, will become adults.

These remarkable people have been a part of my life for nearly two decades. They have been lifelines in the dead of night, my entertainment during the baby days (60-minute makeover was our dedicated time for a cuppa and commentary!), they have been my cheering squad and such a great comfort. And when we started, we hadn't even met in real life.

But that is the power, and the beauty, of a village.

Why Friendship Matters Across Our Whole Life

Friendship isn't just a "nice-to-have "; it is biologically and psychologically protective (Hartup & Stevens, 1999). Studies show that friends foster self-esteem, well-being, and resilience at every stage of life, from early childhood into older age.

Strong friendships are associated with:

• Lower loneliness, depression, stress and anxiety, with the benefits peaking at around four close friends (Thompson et al., 2022)

• Better emotional regulation

• Increased coping during life's most stressful transitions

• Higher life satisfaction and meaning

Evolutionary research (Apostolou et al., 2021) tells us that humans have always survived and thrived because of reciprocal, loyal relationships. We function better in supportive social groups than in isolation, and we know the entire human species has evolved the way we have, thanks to our ability to develop these relationships.

What Skills Build Real Friendship?

So when we talk about friendships, what are the real skills involved?

1. Similarity and shared experience

   People tend to form friendships who those who feel familiar. Shared values, humour, experiences or interests create early connections and long-term compatibility (Laursen, 2017).

2. Reciprocity

   Across the lifespan, friendship relies on mutual giving and receiving, support, care, time and empathy (Hartup & Stevens, 1999).

3. Social-emotional competence

   Conversation skills, emotional regulation, reading cues, conflict repair, and boundary setting matter deeply. These skills are learned; they are not innate. Structured social skills programmes can significantly improve confidence, communication and friendship success, especially for children with SEN or additional needs (Diaz-Garolera et al., 2022).

4. The ability to repair

   Friendships that last are not conflict-free, but they have to be repair-friendly (Hartup & Stevens, 1999).

How Self-Esteem Shapes Connections We Make

Low self-esteem creates barriers to connection. Children with low self-esteem are more vulnerable to peer difficulties, including victimisation, which then further erodes self-esteem, creating this downward spiral, which is hard to break without support (Fox & Boulton, 2006).

Adults experience this too: the feeling that "not good enough" often stops us from initiating friendships.

Healthy self-esteem supports deeper, healthier friendships. With a secure sense of self, we are more likely to:

• Trust that others enjoy being with us

• Enter Friendships that are mutual rather than draining

• Maintain boundaries

• Repair conflict rather than retreat from it.

So this is why it is important that when teaching children, or even ourselves, the skills involved in developing friendships, we are also doing the work that is involved in raising self-esteem. We can do this in many ways, from undertaking hobbies which we enjoy and are good at, to having aims and goals that are achievable, no matter how small they may seem. Building self-esteem is an important foundation for how we cope, learn and connect with others.

Friendship Skills for Boys: Protecting the Next Generation From Loneliness

Self-esteem helps children step into friendships with confidence, but boys often have an extra hurdle to clear. Thanks to a lifetime of subtle (and not-so-subtle) cultural nudges, boys and men are now facing a loneliness pandemic, reinforced by the idea that they should:

• Prioritise activity-based friendships over emotional ones

• Avoid vulnerability in case it looks like a weakness

• Keep friendships "light" or surface level

• Share feelings rarely, if at all

This leaves men who may have plenty of acquaintances but few deeply supportive, emotional, reciprocal friendships.

The science is clear, though:

Regardless of gender, HUMANS need emotionally meaningful friendships to thrive.

Yet our boys are often socialised away from developing the very skills that protect their well-being, and we need to have a real understanding of the possible impact of this:

What the research shows:

• Boys are not born with less emotion than girls; the difference comes from social conditioning

• Emotionally supportive friendships protect against stress, depression, and loneliness across all ages and genders (Thompson et al., 2022).

• Social-emotional skills are learned, and boys benefit just as much as girls from explicit teaching, modelling and practice.

• Strong, emotionally connected friendships in adolescence predict better mental health in adulthood.

How can we support boys to build deeper friendships?

We need to be working with our boys to actively:

1. Normalise emotional expression.

Replace "boys don't cry" with:

• "It's OK to be upset"

• "Everyone gets worried sometimes"

• "Talking helps"

2. Teach relational skills explicitly

• Name feelings

• Repairing conflicts

• Asking for help

• Supporting a friend

• Recognising what a safe, kind friendship feels like

(Diaz-Garolera et al., 2022)

3. Encourage a range of friendship styles

Friendships for boys are often positioned around activity (football, gaming). This is positive; connection forms easily through shared interests, but it needs depth too.

Add opportunities that promote talking, problem-solving, or shared emotional experience.

4. Model healthy male friendships

When boys see men share, support one another, and keep long-term friendships, they understand that emotional connection is normal, not a sign of weakness.

5. Create safe spaces for boys to open up

   Some boys talk better during parallel activity:

• Walking

• Gaming

• Cooking

• Car journeys

This is not avoidance; it is just how their nervous system relaxes enough to share.

Why does this matter?

The friendships boys establish now will shape their adult mental health. Teaching them to build strong, emotionally rich relationships is one of the most powerful protective factors we can give them.

Just as the BC Sept 08' group has been my village for nearly two decades, our boys deserve relationships that will carry them through their own sleepless nights, family challenges, life transitions, and joyful milestones.

It's Not Just The Boys...

While boys often need extra support because of the cultural expectations placed on them, it’s important to recognise that all children benefit from learning how to build healthy, meaningful friendships. And for some girls, particularly those who are neurodivergent, social skills can be an area where they need a different kind of guidance. Not because they lack ability, but because their communication style, sensory needs, or way of connecting may not fit the “standard” social script that many environments still expect. With understanding, appropriate support, and opportunities to practise these skills in ways that feel authentic to them, neurodivergent girls can form friendships that are every bit as rich, supportive, and fulfilling as their peers.

We can support all our children by:

1. Teaching them friendship skills explicitly:

   Conversation skills, turn-taking, emotional regulation, conflict resolution, and joining in are all teachable. Research shows that social skills training significantly increases friendship success, confidence and communication.

2. Help them understand what friendship feels like

   Talk about emotional safety, trust, fun, reciprocity, and boundaries. They need more than the phrase "be kind".

• Help them notice the people who lift them up

  Ask reflective questions:

• “Who makes you feel calm or happy?”

• “Who listens when you talk?”

• “Who do you feel yourself with?”

This builds awareness of their emerging village.

4. Model healthy friendships yourself

   Our children learn by watching us maintain, prioritise, and repair relationships, including those online ones that can unexpectedly become our anchor points.

5. Create opportunities for connection

Play dates, clubs, groups, online communities, and shared-interest spaces all help children practise social interaction.

What About Us Adults? How to Strengthen Old Friendships and Make New Ones

And of course, as we think about how to support our children in developing their friendship skills, it’s hard not to notice the places where we are still learning too. Many of us grew up without explicit teaching around emotional expression, boundary-setting, or repairing conflict, yet we expect ourselves to instinctively model these skills for our children. The truth is, adulthood doesn’t exempt us from needing to strengthen our own relational toolkit. If anything, it simply makes the gaps more obvious.

Friendships in adulthood require intention (and sometimes reminding yourself that sending a message doesn’t need full emotional preparation).

We can do this by:

1. Prioritise regular contact

   We don't often think about the physical labour involved in maintaining and building relationships, but it is there. Consistent communication, even small touch points, keeps friendships alive. Research shows that sustained gentle engagement maintains closeness better than rare, grand catch-ups (Elinkowski & Romney, 2020).

2. Be intentional

   Adults who consciously invest in friendships experience stronger, more resilient connections

3. Share vulnerability, slowly and mutually

   This builds trust and depth, but without the overwhelm.

4. Join communities with shared interests and values

   These spark the similarity-attraction pathway that helps friendships form naturally (Laursen, 2017). Baby groups, book clubs, netball teams... Find a community that sparks your interest and bite the bullet, it will be worth it!

5. Tend your existing friendships

   Never underestimate the power of a quick: "Saw this and thought of you" (and the science agrees! (Elinkowski & Romney, 2020))

Celebrating the Village, Yours, Mine, and The Ones Our Children Will Build

Friendships protect, heal, steady and enrich. It shapes our children's well-being, and our own.

My BC Sept 08' group is living proof of that: nearly eighteen years of connection, support, laughter, crisis management, camping misadventures (we still don't talk about the guy who randomly walked out of the woods, talking about his axe, and it must have been about 15 years ago!) and shared milestones. They have been my village from the very start of motherhood and continue to be now, as our babies grow into adults and our own parents need more of us.

Every child, and every parent, deserves a village that feels just as steady, warm and irreplaceable.

And we can help build it, one friendship skill, one repaired disagreement, and one shared moment at a time.

This week's free resource, available through the weekly newsletter or in the Facebook Group, is all about activity ideas and structure. A gentle guide to help children build empathy, kindness, and friendship skills with the support of an adult, the booklet Developing Skills for Friendship is easily downloadable and accessible from any device.

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References

Apostolou, M., Young-Chang, A., & Gkouvas, A. (2022). Friendship: An Evolutionary Framework. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 51(4), 1783–1792.

Diaz-Garolera, G., et al. (2022). Developing Social Skills to Empower Students. (Full text provided in uploaded file).

Fox, C. L., & Boulton, M. J. (2006). Friendship as a Moderator of the Relationship Between Social Skills Problems and Peer Victimization. EBSCO Full Text Database.

Hartup, W. W., & Stevens, N. (1999). Friendships and Adaptation Across the Life Span. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 8(3), 76–79.

Laursen, B. (2017). Making and Keeping Friends: The Importance of Being Similar. Child Development Perspectives, 11(4), 282–289.

Romney-Elinkowski, E. (2020). Making Time for Friends: How Friendship Maintenance Supports Adult Wellbeing. MAPP Capstone Project.

Thompson, R., et al. (2022). Friendships, Loneliness, and Psychological Wellbeing in Older Adults: A Limit to the Benefit of the Number of Friends? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.