When Their Big Feelings Wake Up Our OId Feelings: A Story About Overwhelm, Co-regulation, and the Moments We Don't Talk About Enough

By Kelly Hutton

Certain parenting moments always stay with us...

Certain parenting moments stay with us. Not the Instagrammable ones, the other ones. The ones where everyone is crying, including you. The ones where the soundtrack is more "wailing kettle" than "peaceful mindfulness". The ones where you wonder if you are actually qualified for this job or if there was some administrative error.

One of those moments for me was when my children were very young, 1 and 2 years of age. It was an ordinary day, which is usually how extraordinary meltdowns like to begin. Something tiny tipped them both over the edge, and I couldn't even tell you what it was now, probably something like the wrong cup colour.

What I do remember is the sound and the energy of my feelings. Two toddlers, both in full-body meltdowns and just me by myself, on the brink of a panic attack, and I swear at one point, my brain felt like it was incapable of functioning.

Now, I had worked in Early Years for years at this point, and I was the manager of the day nursery. I had the qualifications and the experience. I had supported dozens of children through tantrums, dysregulation, and conflict, yet here I was with my own children, and I froze. I felt helpless, embarrassed and if I am honest, a little betrayed by my own nervous system. This was MY area of expertise. Why did my chest feel tight? Why did I feel anger rising when I knew better?

Instinctively, I scooped them up, one at a time, and placed them in the living room, a safe space with a door that could be closed. Then, I sat on the floor outside.

Breathing, shaking and bringing myself back down from the edge.

Inside the room, the screaming went quiet, and I snapped out of my fuzz, and my feelings turned to worry - had they stopped their tantrum because something had happened? I opened the door and gathered them both in my arms, from both worry and guilt, and we finished our quieter crying together. As we calmed, I narrated what had happened, more for myself than for them, and slowly, we stitched ourselves back together.

It was really messy, imperfect and yet on reflection, very human.

But it's the truth of the matter, these situations happen, and we rarely speak about them aloud:

Sometimes, our children's big feelings awaken our old ones.

Why We React So Strongly: The Science

I think it's helpful to know that there is some science behind this. What happened that day, what happens in families every day, is deeply grounded in how co-regulation works. And crucially, in how we fall apart when our emotional load becomes too heavy.

1. Managing our children's behaviour relies on our nervous system being available

   Research consistently shows that children internalise emotional regulation through repeated co-regulation from carers; the process gradually shifts from "shared regulation" to self-regulation (Silkenbeumer et al., 2016).

   But co-regulation assumes the adult is calm enough to offer it. When we are overloaded, stressed, or triggered, our capacity to do this narrows.

2. Parental stress directly impacts how effectively we can co-regulate

   Studies demonstrate that higher parental stress reduces sensitivity, patience, and emotional availability, and understandably so (de Hass, 2022).

3. Our own history and emotional wiring get activated in these moments

   According to co-regulation frameworks, children's distress can trigger adults' residual emotional patterns, often ones we have learned long before we become parents. When that happens, our brains rapidly switch from "calm guide" to "survival mode".

4. Rupture-and-repair is part of healthy emotional development

   Research does show that it is not the absence of these difficult moments that builds emotional competence, but rather the repair. Children learn emotional awareness, strategy use, and reflective regulation through these imperfect, real-life interactions (Gillspie, 2015)

So no, it didn't go perfectly for me that day. But perfection was never the goal; my relationships with my children are, even if I didn't know it at the time.

What Co-Regulation Looks Like

So, co-regulation is not yoga breaths and tidy playrooms.

More often, it looks like

• Stepping away for a minute so you don't shout.

• Breathing loudly enough, you imitate a donkey braying (nice, long, noisy breaths! Honestly, it works!)

• Narrating your feelings like a nature documentary about an agitated bear.

• Sitting on the floor, waiting for your heart rate to drop below "stampeding elephants"

• Returning when everyone is calm-ish, not perfect.

It can look messy, because you are human and it's real life.

Recognising Your Big Feelings Before They Sweep You Away

There are a few signs that your nervous system is heading towards overwhelm:

• Your chest tightens, or your breathing gets shallow

• You feel hot, angry or shaky

• You suddenly have the urge to shout, run, or shut down

• You feel trapped because everyone needs you at once

• You think, "I can't do this"

These are all signals, but they do not mean you are failing; it just means your system is trying to protect you and recognising this is so important.

Small, Achievable Moments, When You Are Ready

Now, there are no "perfect parenting" strategies, only real parent, real life ones which will always feel messy in the moment:

1. Create a Safe Place

You can do this before anything ever kicks off. Just have a secure, safe space where your child can be for 30-90 seconds to give you time to regulate.

This is not abandonment, it's responsible regulation.

2. Use One Simple Anchor

Pick a grounding action such as:

• Hand on chest

• Slow exhale

• Name what you feel ("overwhelmed, tight, hot")

3. Narrate You Regulation Out Loud

Children learn through modelling:

"I felt really overwhelmed. I needed a moment. I'm calming now. I am here with you"

This is co-regulation and teaching, woven together.

4. Repair When You Are Ready

Whether you shouted, shut the door, or simply froze, repair connects the relationship and teaches emotional intelligence. Say you are sorry, talk about what you all could have done better, and have a hug. All these actions repair those connections.

Why These Moments Matter

When you return, when you repair, and when you model calming after chaos, you're teaching your child:

• "Big feelings are survivable"

• "Mistakes can be mended"

• "Connection comes back"

• "Regulation is something we learn, not something we are born knowing"

According to emotional development research, these repeated experiences build the foundation for reflective emotion regulation, the kind children use in friendships, learning, problem-solving, and later, in adulthood (Silkenbeumer et al., 2016).

So yes, there will be messy moments, and yet, it will be a profound moment of teaching.

If This Resonated, This Week's Free Resource Was Made For You!

This week's downloadable resource is a set of reflective exercises for parents, designed to help you:

• Notice your own emotional triggers

• Understand your own stress response

• Build habits that support co-regulation

• Create a space for calmer, more connected moments with your child

It's a gentle, practical, and built for busy real-life parents in mind, because co-regulation doesn't need perfection; it needs intention.

You can access it for free through the Nurtured Together Parent Support Community - click the link below!

Nurtured Together Parent Support Community